Pants 0. Shit 1.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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