Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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