I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
