11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
