I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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