I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
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Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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