Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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