You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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