I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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