My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
