we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
