I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
