Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
