i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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