If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
