my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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