its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
