My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
