The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
