I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
