its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
