Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
