I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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