It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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