Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
