So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
