There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
