It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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