I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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