I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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