i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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