I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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