i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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