Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
