It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
