OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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