ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
