I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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