someone threw a dead crab at me
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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