just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
