The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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