I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
