Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
