my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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