i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
