wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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