You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
