did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
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Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
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The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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