do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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