no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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