And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
