k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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