Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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