WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
