I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
