do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
