Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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