I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Randomize
