i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
