If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
