I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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