I just threw up on my dentist
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
