I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
